I'm teetering between selfish love and transcendental love.

I'm afraid. 

I fear the direction I'm headed. I fear that all that I've ever known is about to be stripped away from me forever. What is the point of learning what we are inside, if the cost of this knowledge is eternal separation and alienation from what we once loved?

To be fair, I'm already separated from all the objects of my selfish love. Well, the one object. Forced to be separate from her. I've turned that vain love of her into something truly profound. I now Love with a capitol "L." Oh the agony it took to reach this point. Worth it, however.

What terrifies me is, this now selfless-Love wants me to let go of her, my love, altogether. To let go of the only thing anchoring me to this planet. I fear if I do that, life will become empty. An utter and complete void. Eternal Night. I'm already a ghost, I feel if I let go of her, there will be no turning back from whatever it is I will become. 

I know what underlies divinity. I've felt the bliss that comes in the silence. But I can't leave her behind. I refuse to enter the One without her. She taught me Love. I'd still be a lifeless daydreamer without her light.

I can't do it. I can't let go of her. If this is my test, I fear I'm going to fail. Why would this Love be telling me to let go of her? I'm falling to pieces. 

I'm searching for a sign here.

I do wish to contribute something of use here, but my personal problems are getting in the way. You all know more about me than the people I come into contact with everyday in the real world. 

My thought processes are destructive, were I to speak my mind it would often be to the clearing away illusions and killing dogma. I know this isn't the way. But my mind creates little else. I also fear that my purpose on earth is to be a "devil," causing strife for the greater good of growth. I do not want to play this role, but it's all I can do. The alternative is complete abandonment from the world.

All I want to do is work, and Love. But the mind I've been given alienates me from others. Your personas are my impersonations. And I'm not a good actor. Not a good actor at all.  All I want to do is work and Love.

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Comment by William John Meegan on April 21, 2013 at 5:40pm

Personally, as much as I love the human race especially the women half of the species I find I am more bedazzled with them then if I was not with them at all.

My suggestion to you is to study the three temptations of Buddha.  One of them is the fear of loss.  If you want something or someone so much that it hurts than you must rid yourself of that longing.  As much as it hurts in the beginning you will eventually overcome it.

Though, I have turned my life into a kind of monastery I don't recommend it to all.  It is quite difficult to find companionship of the opposite sex that doesn't demand every free moment of your time.  It is difficult to spend your time on the spiritual quest in such a relationship.

The spiritual quest demands much from the initiate and most are not willing to give their all.  They are afraid of being alone.  The search for God is not being alone because God is always your confidant.  You always feel guiding hands leading you towards that which you need to know.  Human companionship is desirable once in a while and I treat such excursion as outing from my research for I am never more happier than learning about the nature of my sour/psyche and the world I live in.

If you cannot be comfortable alone then you have more problems then you are aware of.  I use to tell people all the time that the most disgusting thing that a human being can do is spend an hour alone with him or herself.  You will be surprise at the most obnoxious human beings we are willing to be with rather than face an hour alone with ourselves.  We would be willing to do the most ridiculous and humiliating antics rather than being with our own thoughts.  We would turn on the music or the television or do this, that or the other thing rather than look into the mirror.

Inherently, we think that if another can "love" us or live with us than we can't be that bad of a person; however,the one person in all the world we cannot lie to is ourselves.  There are times that we even suppress those memories just so we don't believe we lie to ourselves.  In the Harry Potter series was it not the headmaster that said, "the man that looks in the mirror and see himself as he is is a happy man." or some such words.  Here in America we are brought up to be individualist rather than family oriented.  Years ago it use to take an act of Congress or dam well near it to get a divorce; whereas, today all you have to do is say "I don't love you" and off to the divorce courts you go.  America lives in a very selfish world of its own creation.  Pragmatically, if you don't lie to yourself about your character and personality and faults then you will be just as objective when you look out at the world.  If you are not willing to look at the world objectively than you have rose color glasses on and you shouldn't be on the spiritual quest.  The spiritual quest is a very harsh TASKMASTER and if you cannot endure the whip then get off the path because you haven't seen anything yet.  The road to Calvary is not a few hundred yards long.  It takes a life time to traverse it and all along the way you will, like Christ, be despised and spit upon, curse and harangued and whip and kicked, metaphorically and all sought of evil will be done to you and it never stops: UNTIL IT NO LONGER MATTER WHAT THE OUTSIDE WORLD THINKS, DOES OR SAYS.  Then and only then will you realize that you have always been in the Garden of Eden and you thought it was hell.

I had a girlfriend many years ago.  She died some time back but she use to say all the time: PEOPLE ARE WORK.  Meaning that in order to have family, friends and associates always around your have to constantly be in contact and remembering every holiday or special day or anniversary or be in fear of insulting someone unaware.  Today, my family: brothers and sisters and their families and my friends are lucky to get a Christmas card from me and that is once a year.

I can truly say that if I had all those distractions to take up my time I would not be where I am, now, at the age of 65 this June.  I don't regret it because my life has been a world-wind of discovery that few people have seen in three to five hundred years.  I had and still have a spiritual radiance about me since June of 1978 and it is the most important thing that has happened to me in my life.

LOVE has everything to do with Loving yourself, knowing yourself and being comfortable with yourself.  I recommend you read the book SIDDHARTHA by Hermann Hesse.

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