I'm teetering between selfish love and transcendental love.

I'm afraid. 

I fear the direction I'm headed. I fear that all that I've ever known is about to be stripped away from me forever. What is the point of learning what we are inside, if the cost of this knowledge is eternal separation and alienation from what we once loved?

To be fair, I'm already separated from all the objects of my selfish love. Well, the one object. Forced to be separate from her. I've turned that vain love of her into something truly profound. I now Love with a capitol "L." Oh the agony it took to reach this point. Worth it, however.

What terrifies me is, this now selfless-Love wants me to let go of her, my love, altogether. To let go of the only thing anchoring me to this planet. I fear if I do that, life will become empty. An utter and complete void. Eternal Night. I'm already a ghost, I feel if I let go of her, there will be no turning back from whatever it is I will become. 

I know what underlies divinity. I've felt the bliss that comes in the silence. But I can't leave her behind. I refuse to enter the One without her. She taught me Love. I'd still be a lifeless daydreamer without her light.

I can't do it. I can't let go of her. If this is my test, I fear I'm going to fail. Why would this Love be telling me to let go of her? I'm falling to pieces. 

I'm searching for a sign here.

I do wish to contribute something of use here, but my personal problems are getting in the way. You all know more about me than the people I come into contact with everyday in the real world. 

My thought processes are destructive, were I to speak my mind it would often be to the clearing away illusions and killing dogma. I know this isn't the way. But my mind creates little else. I also fear that my purpose on earth is to be a "devil," causing strife for the greater good of growth. I do not want to play this role, but it's all I can do. The alternative is complete abandonment from the world.

All I want to do is work, and Love. But the mind I've been given alienates me from others. Your personas are my impersonations. And I'm not a good actor. Not a good actor at all.  All I want to do is work and Love.

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Comment by Seth Edwards on July 25, 2013 at 2:23pm

Thank you so much for your comments James- your analysis means a lot to me. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

And yes, blending rays 1 and 2 has been my mission as of late :)

Comment by Capt. Anand Kumar on April 27, 2013 at 9:31pm

You are most welcome Seth. The poetry of Rumi has been the source of joy and inspiration for millions around the world for centuries. We hope to learn from you what you learn of Rumi as you get deeper into it.

And indeed it is amazing that the two of us independently thought of Rumi at the same time. Perhaps this is what Dr. Ronald intends to discuss (dependent co-arising). Please take a look.

Comment by Seth Edwards on April 27, 2013 at 3:21pm

This is where I now stand:

"Since hearing of the world of Love,

I have given my life, my heart,

And my eyes this way.

At first, I believed that love

And beloved are different.

Now, I know they are the same.

I had been seeing two in one."

Thank you, Captain Kumar, for highlighting Rumi. It still amazes me, both of us arriving there simultaneously yet independently. 

Comment by William John Meegan on April 26, 2013 at 6:52am

I was trying to define the microcosmic aspects of the emotional crisis that the individual goes through and you brought out the macrocosmic aspects.

As human beings we do all we can to protect our children up to the time they go to public school but the educational system: i.e. Corporate America is set up to tear down the family.  We send our children off to be trained by stranger with strange ideas.  All they are doing is letting nature take its course.  Laws are pass to send our children to public schools not geared to protect children from their worst enemy: the opposite sex.  At that young impressionable age teenagers have no idea how to handle their emotions.  This is why back in the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries men did not get married until they were wells settled in employment and could take care of a wife and children.  This brought the male to about 25-years of age and then he was given a wife or had to pay for her.  Even to the turn of the 20th century women having children out of wedlock were sent off to convents and for the most part the shame forced the young girl to become a nun because she believed she owe God penance.  The child was adopted off.

Adolescence  is the most crucial part of a child's life and we do nothing today to protect our children from early pregnancies and or relationships: we say to protect ourselves from our responsibilities that Democracy (Mob Rule) prevents it.  That emotional upheaval that a teenager experiences is meant to be a life altering and extremely emotional crisis in his or her life.  There is no reason or logic going through young peoples minds while that upheaval runs through the psyche of the adolescence and this is no accident of nature.  Nature plans it that way.  It is a universal law.  What you were talking about concerning young girls being given off to bear children is a way that the primitive and eventually civilized tribes dealt with these psychic forces.  You can only imagine how these early tribes and civilized societies had to grapple with this societal crisis of teenagers meeting and suddenly finding themselves with adult responsibilities at an age where they hadn't skill to even earn a wage.  The couple would be doomed to life long poverty.  The choice the chieftains of these ancient tribes made were to culturally pass off women as chattel.  It was the lesser of the two evils and solved the problem of protecting their male offspring, which were considered more valuable as heirs. Actually, the young teenage girls pass off to elderly men did not do bad at all because they were comfortably settled in a prosperous home and the girls family received a welcome influx of income.  This may seem crass according to today's standards but back then young girls look forward to their new lives.  Arthurian Romanticism (Heresy = choosing your own lover) did not come until later when great civilization were being conceived on the European continent.

I told you this emotional upheaval that courses through our children was a UNIVERSAL LAW and I meant exactly that.  Think of the life of an individual as a sphere: an individual orb in space.  Back in the 1970s NASA sent two probes to map the solar system and they found that every orb in the system: sun, moon, large asteroids and even earth had upwelling of forces at 19.5 degrees of its axis poles.  I even ran these calculation through the book of Genesis and found that it had 50 Chapters and 1533 verses.  When the verses are calculated out at 0.195 it comes to 299 or the end of the 11th chapter of Genesis.  The first verse of the 12th chapter of Genesis is Abrams leaving the land of his father: UR.  And does not puberty come about the 13th and 14th year in the life of a teenager when the life span expectancy is 65-70 years.  This same phenomenon takes place at the other end of life called for some reason midlife crisis when it actually happens at about 45-50 when the male or woman spots a younger female or male and leave the spouse of 20-30 years.

Our society is not taking these cosmic laws into account (we don't even know about them) and we blames it all on the teenager and/or the ignorant adult because these laws are not being incorporated into our civilization.  The individual is not train to deal with his or her emotions.  It is society's fault that there is a sexual revolution not our offspring.  We have lost the wisdom of our ancestors.

Though there are man-made forces always creating crises it really is not necessary since nature is set up to create those crises at both ends of the spectrum unless we deal with them.  There are universal laws codified into the DNA fabric or of our being and there is no escaping them unless we can find a way to circumvent them by venting that energy in a different direction.  That will not happen unless modernity is awakened from its slumber.

Comment by Hari Menon on April 25, 2013 at 11:18pm

Dear William ,

         Very True , it is at best an infatuation in a majority of cases , there is a modicum of decency where more mature people decide to get together for support in old age , and neither are deluded about the virtues of parenthood and just get together to support each other in a mature manner , though it may look like an alliance of convenience , there is bound to be more understanding ,respect and love which is not crass . 

Love is a sublime emotion which is all embracing in nature , and it arises from a deep understanding and compassion - the  common and vulgar usage by the market place is actually due a squeamishness to admit that in the first place it was attraction and so lewdness and an organic necessity and never dictated by respect for each other - but as in all worldly things they call it "love" . Ask any young couple a few days after they have married and it soon transpires that nobody has given any serious thought to life after the "first night". 

Marriage is an outcrop of our primitive ancestry , where the village elder used to (in the more sublime versions ) proclaim the ability of female of the species to be of child bearing capacity and amidst fanfare hand her over to a suitable male of the species . But modern alliances are not quite the same these days , built on a solid bedrock of lust it has regressed to more older periods of history where the caveman used to display an ability to capture more prey and so grab the female of the species without any other forethought and where the female of the species would just go away with the larger of the male specimen . If we were as sensitive towards sex as it is made to be , the occassion where a whole lot of people are called to witness the fact that in a short while two people will be soon rolling in the hay officially raises a smile . Life loves tragedy and tragedy loves life , without tragedy there is no life , the very roots of nature lie in tragedy . Most movies end with a strange poignancy (even comedies) as if the director never could make any head or tail as to how to conclude it on a lie . Corporates and nations move from crisis to crisis ,captains of industry everywhere thrive on such things - peace is the exception , life is a succession of crisises necessitating great flourishes of activity and sound , even a family life would be dull without crisis popping up , man is given a reason to advance reasons for the continuing of life and its grand march towards a common destiny by these Tragicomic events. To be silent is to die immediately for most people welcome or  hang onto impending disasters like a drowning man to a log of wood. After a few years down the road a man looks upon these tragedies with satisfaction and muses how he has gained from life and living and how he has become more wise and the next day promptly plunges in search of a new crisis . 

Things like terrorism are quite the spice providers in life as they have a universal way of keeping the crisis open and so the adrenalin gets pumped on either side to greater highs and the effects are really theatrical of Epic proportions , many going to heaven by what they did and another bunch going to heaven by what they could not "enjoy" as life was short . And many in heavenly earth trying to evolve an Ethics of Tragedy. On the whole comical and disgusting . The great  lie of "Man is a social animal" is so full of Pathos and tragedy that goes so deep and raises tears in ones eyes . It is still the primal urge of safety in numbers and collection of like tribes that are behind every motive of the human race to preserve itself . Only the names and forms and ages have changed but the prime motivators inherent in human nature is still the same as it was when man first set foot on earth . 

Comment by William John Meegan on April 25, 2013 at 5:04am

Mary:

Yes, life is set up to promote the species by carnal lust and we can shroud it in all kinds of intellectual romantic fantasies but it comes down to what Joseph Campbell called "the urges of the organs for each other:"  When we are young we do not see the banality of it.  We are merely swept up in the archetypal joys and pleasures of it all.

However, life is also set up to put an abrupt end to it all and the reality of existence crashes in on those archetypal joys and pleasures when the baby is born and it is now time to regiment life to take care of it.  No longer are we absorbing the energies out of our parents but rather now there is a being (baby) sucking the very energies out of its parents.  There will always be new and demanding archetypal forces over riding the weaker one and we each succumb to them as the pattern of life is laid before us.

Then of course there is the day to day living (before or after marriage if that sacrament even still exist in modernity) with that new found stranger (lover) putting up with all his or her rude idiosyncrasies and you wonder what you ever saw in the slob.

Then there always emerges one stronger personality of the two that rules the family life, which tears into the very fabric of the equality that existed back at the beginning when there was "the lust the organs had for each other"  No matter how the two try to prevent this archetypal beast from emerging it will rear its ugly head at the least suspecting time..

In addition the world get smaller and smaller as divert forces surround us make their demands upon us.  it is rare to get any time to contemplate life and if you are lucky enough to steal a few moments, now and then, from the everyday mundane I salute you.

But until that baby(ies) is born you will be forever caught up in the seduction and romance, which a team of horses could not drag you from.

Comment by Mary Magdalene on April 24, 2013 at 9:45pm
There is a saying... The only answer to love, is to love more. Yet, how many experience Agape- transcendental love, the love beyond Storge, Philia, and Eros? What evokes the deeper, eternal aspect that moves beyond the boundaries of condition? Surrendering to that state of being is possible, but how do we surpass the confines of seductive Eros?
Comment by Capt. Anand Kumar on April 22, 2013 at 9:46pm

Hello Seth. Welcome.

LOVE is the highest form of spirituality, as it unites.

Few centuries back there was a persian named Jalaluddin Rumi who suffered like you and wrote some beautiful poetry. Sample this:

You are broken-hearted too, you shall find cure in love;
If you listen to me and pursue this ailment

He is asking you to pursue this ailment and not to get rid of it.

If after reading you feel so inclined, we will be happy to begin a discussion on Rumi & his poetry.

Comment by Hari Menon on April 22, 2013 at 12:31am

Dear Seth,

       William John Meegan has said it all , it is doubtful if you will get better advice from anyone . Everything he has written is the Truth and it is a necessary condition of spirirtuality or inner peace  and in fact  non denominational . I am all with him a full 100% .One has to withdraw the love one has for objects into the Self , and learn to also sit peacefully with oneself . Independence is not having to depend on any object but the self alone . 

Comment by Seth Edwards on April 21, 2013 at 6:32pm

Thank you both for your comments. You've been helpful. To Meegan:

Ridding myself of this longing is far easier said than done. But the thing is, I don't want to rid myself of the longing. My love for her hasn't bedazzled me, its awoken me. It's agonizing, but at the same time it's what's propelled me to God. 

I'm not afraid of being alone. I've spent the majority of my life alone. Profoundly alone. I'm no stranger to introspection, and I think I'm in the same boat with you as far as being free of the distractions of others. Well, unless you count the girl...

I do not care what the outside world thinks, does, or says, in regards to my individual being. What's beginning to really matter to me though, is what the outside world thinks, does, and says regarding themselves- regarding their spirit. The tip of this is her though, she is the reason I've begun to care about the world. My desire to help her, to help her understand what she is, to free her from her illusions, matters more to me than myself. And that desire to help her is slowly being transferred to world at large. 

I'm don't want my will to help her to disappear within my growing will to help the rest of humanity. My will to help her specifically is all that is left of my "soul." 

And I'll be sure to check out that book, thanks for your insight.

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