I'm teetering between selfish love and transcendental love.
I fear the direction I'm headed. I fear that all that I've ever known is about to be stripped away from me forever. What is the point of learning what we are inside, if the cost of this knowledge is eternal separation and alienation from what we once loved?
To be fair, I'm already separated from all the objects of my selfish love. Well, the one object. Forced to be separate from her. I've turned that vain love of her into something truly profound. I now Love with a capitol "L." Oh the agony it took to reach this point. Worth it, however.
What terrifies me is, this now selfless-Love wants me to let go of her, my love, altogether. To let go of the only thing anchoring me to this planet. I fear if I do that, life will become empty. An utter and complete void. Eternal Night. I'm already a ghost, I feel if I let go of her, there will be no turning back from whatever it is I will become.
I know what underlies divinity. I've felt the bliss that comes in the silence. But I can't leave her behind. I refuse to enter the One without her. She taught me Love. I'd still be a lifeless daydreamer without her light.
I can't do it. I can't let go of her. If this is my test, I fear I'm going to fail. Why would this Love be telling me to let go of her? I'm falling to pieces.
I'm searching for a sign here.
I do wish to contribute something of use here, but my personal problems are getting in the way. You all know more about me than the people I come into contact with everyday in the real world.
My thought processes are destructive, were I to speak my mind it would often be to the clearing away illusions and killing dogma. I know this isn't the way. But my mind creates little else. I also fear that my purpose on earth is to be a "devil," causing strife for the greater good of growth. I do not want to play this role, but it's all I can do. The alternative is complete abandonment from the world.
All I want to do is work, and Love. But the mind I've been given alienates me from others. Your personas are my impersonations. And I'm not a good actor. Not a good actor at all. All I want to do is work and Love.