I'LL TAKE NO MORE
Ever get the feeling you just need to create something?
It can be overwhelming. I need a release.
I have a genetic failsafe, it keeps me from falling into the clutches of materialism. I'm autistic. Aspergic. My mind puts me at an incredible distance from the others around me.
My mind doesn't create small talk. There's a disconnect between my mind and my body. I usually appear expressionless. Eye contact and faces often throw me into sensory overload. And when I do become comfortable with someone, I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I'm an eternal blank slate- a near undistorted mirror of the world around me.
How is this a failsafe against materialism? Because if I revert to materialism, I have nothing. Emptiness.
Pretending to be normal is a very shallow existence. Yes, I can fake the nuances and emotions and most of the give and take of average conversations, but on an intimate level with someone, it all falls apart.
My only dream is to love another, to help another, to feel connected to another. But in a materialistic, personal way, this is impossible for me. I'm unlovable. I'm closer to an alien or a robot than a fellow human being. Suffering ensues.
So I seek refuge in the eternal. My only home.
This is all just a release. Conquering of emotions. I don't wish to scare or worry you, just perhaps show you a different side of the human condition.
Please do not take your connections for granted. Please cherish your love's and your lovers. Please remember, nothing is more valuable than a beating human heart. Nothing at all is more valuable.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Seth Edwards on
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If you chose materialistic possessions over the materialistic nature then you may be putting you self at an inner distance with your self.
What do you mean?
And yes, I agree that self-love is a necessary ingredient in life, even if it took me longer than most to figure it out. The majority of the time I am happy, but occasionally I fall into a pit (admittedly, of my own creation.) I call this pit materialism, because at it's heart it's me longing for things I can't have.
I love the world, and I love every single person on it. Everything is in it's right place, and everything has a reason. Apparently I have something to gain from being alienated from my fellow man, and that's why I'm living the life I am at this moment. It's only one lifetime.
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Permalink Reply by Capt. Anand Kumar on
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Thanks Seth. This is a beautiful post.
Can love make one transcend happiness?
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I've found that beyond and behind both happiness and sadness is Purpose. Beautiful Purpose.
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I've suspected that of you ever since you gave me the advice "the key to a happy life and a happy marriage was to have a partner where you could look in the same direction but not at each other." The advice was too perfect... My guess was you could either tell I was Aspergic or you were yourself.
It means a lot, that you can relate. Thank you.
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Permalink Reply by Mary Magdalene on
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It is when "other" is no more, that we connect with all. Interpersonal considerations are only as necessary as we need or require them. We each have gifts to give and a purpose for being, your conditions need not be viewed with negative connotations. We are products of experience, but also are given a choice as to how we relate and what we create. Compulsion to create is an innate, primal drive of creation. We make of it what we Will. Valuation is relative, depending upon one's development and faculties.
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