Firstly, I would like to thank Theosophy.net members for their very warm welcome and gentle encouragement to actually contribute something, ANYTHING, to the site. There is so much "stuff" here that captures my attention, it really has been a wonderful experience so far. I feel as though my brain has done a yoga workout, strengthening, lengthening and expanding so much that I'm not sure where to start. SO I thought I'd do a "stream of thought" introductory blog....
So, who are you?
That's a very interesting question! Who am I? Well, I could give you a link to my Facebook page, that would make life easier I think. But you asked me who I am, not who I present myself as and I feel that those are two very different people. In fact, I feel as though I am many different people speaking with one voice, well most of the time anyway. We sometimes argue, but that in itself is hilarious for anyone watching. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of my "head people", you don't really need to know that right now but I will probably at some point introduce you to them. I am perfectly okay with saying that it's all in my head. Of course it is, where else am I going to have the perfect body with zero effort?
I love each and every aspect of Self that I have and will come across in my quest to know my Self. I love them unconditionally now, because I love my Self as unconditionally as my Self loves me. A few years ago, I didn't like "me" very much and there was much conflict between my Selves. So I elected to legally change my name to something that I felt I could grow into.
I feel that there is great power in the naming of something. We use words to describe the world around us, we use words to describe one another, we use words to describe ourselves and for me, calling myself by the name my parents gave to me was akin to blindly accepting and becoming the person they wanted me to be, rather than being the person that I wanted to be.
Please don't think that I in any way disrespect my parents and the way they raised me. I am so very grateful to them for what they taught me about life and people in it. I learned more from them than I did at school about how to deal with being out there in the bad old world. Although I sometimes feel that I missed out a lot of life lessons due to the long battle with prostate cancer my father lost when I was twelve years old, I also gained a great deal too. I learned how important family really is to me, despite my rebellious years and the hell I put my mother through during my early adulthood. If I'm really honest about myself, then I have to admit that I'm still growing, maturing. I have my moments when I revert back to "a devil in an A-cup" as my mother once referred to me. (only now it's a bit more than an A-cup). I hate myself afterwards and that's when I realise that I need to take some time to figure out which part of me was reacting that way, why it reacted that way and how we can rectify and heal the situation so that each part of me feels comfortable expressing itself without resorting to aggressive emotional outbursts. It's been a long journey so far but it is no longer a slog for me. I'm willing to cut myself some slack, take in my surroundings and just enjoy the scenery before embarking on the journey once again.
The Whole is greater than the sum of all it's parts
Okay, that's cool. What's with the jaguar, then?
The jaguar is "Kajika". Kajika is how my subconscious mind or LowSelf "presents" itself to me. I personally prefer to call it my JaguarSelf rather than LowSelf because of the connotations associated with the word "low". To me, "LowSelf" suggests that it is below Middle/High Self and therefore is not as important or desirable. Nothing could be further from the truth for me. My subconscious has much better insight than "I" (MiddleSelf) do. It is up to me/MiddleSelf to be the decider though. If JaguarSelf had it's way we wouldn't be here writing this, we'd most likely be snoozing the morning away.
JaguarSelf communicates with me through imagery, sounds, music and "instinct". It is up to me to interpret what JaguarSelf is trying to tell me so that I can take action as necessary. I found it particularly useful during my counselling training when we had to do group work. As the "client" spoke to me, I heard her "soundtrack" as such. I heard songs that helped me understand her perspective and see (or indeed hear) the world through her eyes regardless of whether or not I agreed with her views. As a counsellor, it is not my job to judge or criticise. My job is to assist the client to make their own judgements and choices and feel okay with them afterwards.
*NOTE- I didn't complete the training because of a nervous breakdown due to my own issues with Self. I am still recovering but feel now that the experience can and will serve me well if I choose to let it rather than allow myself to wallow in misery, self-pity/contempt.
I suppose it could be fair to say that I regard JaguarSelf as a totem animal but it is not a separate entity. When I communicate with Kajika through meditation/visualisation, it is not some spiritual quest, I'm allowing my subconscious to express itself. Essentially, I spend a lot of time talking to myself, sometimes I surprise myself with what I learn.
What do you hope to get from this site?
Friendship, stimulating conversation and interesting reading material primarily. My main reason for joining is because I have a sort of quest going on... I seek The Ultimate Metaphor. This is an idea that came to me last year when I was discussing god(s) and religion with a friend. I feel that everything scripture says about god (however you choose to understand it) is just a metaphor. Some metaphors work, others don't. It all depends on the person the metaphor is aimed at. The "Ultimate Metaphor" is, for me anyway, a way to describe what god is in a way that I can fully understand, interpret and accept without ever forgetting that it is just a metaphor. When I read scriptures that say that god is unknowable, that is how I understand it. A person can do their best to describe what god is like, but the description will never be the real thing. I feel that this is a life-long commitment, as I discover more about my own understanding and perspective of the world around me, I will learn even more about the world(s) within me.
We are told that god is within each of us and that is what I believe. We are all gods of our own internal secret worlds. Whether we are benevolent or malevolent gods is ultimately up to us and the choices we make.
I'm not sure what else to write now so I'll stop for now but rest assured that more blogs will follow regarding my idea of god, the Ultimate Metaphor, totem/JaguarSelf and the naming of the animals.
Thanks for reading!